A little vacy...and perspective

I've been looking for a job for 4 months now.  Officially unemployed for 2 of those months.  And I am finding that few things make you more weary than job hunting.  Its been a rollercoaster of ups and downs, pessimism then optimism, doubt and faith.  But as with all things that happen in our lives, we get to decide where to camp.  In this instance, I can hang out in the nothing, or the nothing yet.  Because I'm still journeying in my walk, and will be until the day I die, its a daily choice I have to make.  He has been so tenderly guiding me to the faith camp.  In the not yet, I have found there are beautiful things to be had like time with family and friends, serving, recharging, and intimate time with Jesus.  Recognizing that I have an unlimited amount of unoccupied time makes it hard to appreciate these gifts.  I find myself wanting to dismiss them thinking I should be doing something more 'responsible' with my time.  But that is not the reality.  So I strive to see these moments for what they are, sweet moments in time that I'll only get once.

 

Took a little trip to see some friends where we got to worship, and serve, and adventure.  Then traveled on to HOMA!  Celebrated the great freedoms we have in this nation and also a certain little boy's birthday.  Then it was time to earn my keep helping my dad demo their bathroom and then start putting it back together again.  Also did a little painting and such.  In the middle of that there was a few days of lake time where reading, relaxing, and eating were the only things on the agenda.   A little more work followed that time, just to make sure I wasn't bored.  Mix in a whole lot of great time with dear friends where we laughed and called out blessings and processed hard seasons.  Of course it isn't summer in OK without an Icy and a drive around Overholser.  And now I am working on blocking out the torture of that LONG drive back.  Though I must say it is a beautiful country we live in and He is a masterful artist. I am so grateful to have had that time even though it was only possible because of a lack.  Somehow He is always making beautiful things out of ashes.

And now it's back to the hunt...

I was Them

Almost every single moment of this last trip to Uganda was my favorite.  Each moment superseded the one before it.  How could it get better? And then it just would.  He was constantly more and more and more.  And then it was our last day.  The poverty we came face to face with was more than every one of us could bear. People wearing rags, filthy, ravaged by sickness, addicted to substances, sleeping in the dirt, walking around just waiting to die.  My heart always ends up at a place of great pain and sorrow for these people. But if I were honest, it does not start there. It usually starts with, "I'm so glad that isn't me".

It wasn't until I was daydreaming in a church pew on that first Sunday back, struggling to engage in worship, that I really started to process.  That really IS me.  Or more accurately, WAS me.  Wasn't the poverty of my soul identical to this?  Wasn't I stumbling around in filthy rags, sleeping in stench, addicted to all things evil before I knew Him?  Before He came to me, wasn't I walking around just waiting to die? 

But in His great mercy, He did come to me. I could have never made it to Him.  Like this village, I was miles from anywhere.  I would not even have known what direction to walk.  That's provided I even had within me the strength or desire to walk.  I could have NEVER made it to Him.  Even still He came to me in the trenches of my despair and rescued me. HE. Almighty. Righteous. Holy. Magnificent. Pure. Beauty. PERFECTION.  Took me out, washed me with perfumed soaps, dressed me in fine robes, fed me with choicest of foods until contentment, laid me in royal bedding and said its all yours and more.

The thought of that is almost more than I can bear. I am so undeserving. Its really no wonder that I sometimes walk around this life fumbling about, making inappropriate comments, completely out of place. Me, this worst of all sinners turned daughter of a King.  Oh how often I forget.

Being Just Part of the Story

I have a weakness.  Okay, I have MANY weaknesses.  One of them is that sometimes I want to know everything, the whole story.  I want to see things to completion. When it comes to His plan for my life I want all the details and I want to know how it works out before I even start.  Which, if you have been following the LORD for any time at all, you are probably laughing right now.  That never happens.  We would have no need for faith if that were the case.  We would never grow, develop, or change.  And I know that...in my head.  But that doesn't stop me from still hesitating so many times, holding that doubt in my heart that He really does know what He is doing.  Not trusting that He's had it all figured out, and well before I even arrived on the scene. 

My dissolved adoption has by far been the most difficult thing I have ever been through.  I knew I made the right decision and the Lord gave me many confirmations, but it was still always on my mind.  In moments of faithlessness, there was still that doubting, that tinge of guilt all sent from the enemy to get me questioning.  My heart ached so much because I didn't know how it would all turn out.  Would I ever see if this was the right decision for her, and the right one for me.  In the days and weeks that followed I prayed more times than I can count that God would let me see the story He was writing. That out of His great love for me, even though He owes me no explanation, that He would allow me to see with my flesh eyes that it was indeed what was best.  Sometimes we don't get to see the beauty of His story this side of Heaven, and I accepted that might be the case.  I was learning to trust Him on a whole new level.  Daniel 3:18 has always been one of my favorite verses: "But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."  I have taken those phrases and adapted them to situations all throughout my life.  This was no different.  I prayed "Please LORD let me see, but even if you don't, I will still trust you."

Then out of His goodness He gave me the gift of seeing!  Last week I was contacted by none other than Z's new mom!!  The day I had left Uganda, broken and confused, my lawyer referred that little girl to this lady. She accepted, and with God's provisional hand, officially adopted her just 3 months later.  I can hardly believe it.  Knowing that He has been in all the details.  Reflecting on how He has tenderly cared for my broken heart, guiding me toward deeper faith in the One who holds my future.  The LORD truly loves, cares for, and protects the orphaned and vulnerable. 

Her mother said something to me that really touched me.  She said that I will always be a part of her daughter's story.  How honoring that the LORD would allow me that.  May I continually learn the beauty of being a part of other's stories.  Of fulfilling my role no matter how big or small so His glory is revealed.  May your Kingdom come LORD.

Imani Ruth going to Kindergarden

Living Alive

Lately I have found myself wishing that someday life would just settle into a normal, casual, calm, routine life.  Where the hardest decision to make is which book to read or what's for supper.  Whether I want to wear flip flops or tennis shoes, ride my bike or go for a jog.  A time when I can stop putting so much thought into being a wise steward of my resources. A time when my heart doesn't ache over things I can never fix.  And a time when I can stop saying goodbyes for crying out loud.  Where things are calm and I can live a life of pleasure.  Where my heart doesn't hurt ALL THE TIME for one reason or another.  I'm just so tired of huge decisions, life altering choices, intentional living, and experiencing such strong emotions for extended periods of time.  I'm a simpleton.  I like simple.  And life has been anything but simple for quite some time now.

Yet right in the middle of those very thoughts I stop myself.  I tell God that I take it all back.  I don't really mean it, not deep down.  Because I have lived that ignorant, simple life once, and for far too long.  Living a life that thought of myself first.  No fire for anything burning deep in my soul.  No agonizing over decisions because there were none to agonize over.  What I would have given in those moments for my heart to be alive and for my life to reflect that. 

I'm realizing that the only time things aren't hard or painful, the only time things are calm and carefree, is when you are dead.  Living takes work.  So I will take this hard again, this pain, confusion, separating, growing, changing because it means I'm still living.  It means I have a purpose to fulfill and I'm on that journey going the right direction.  Parts of my being still cry out for that old life, and I daydream about how much easier it would be to just give in and go back.  But I'll embrace these moments, because I believe it is in these moments that I am living fully alive.

Learning

Suddenly its been like when you get a new car and everyone has the same one, or so it seems.  Everyone is talking adoption, there are little kids around every corner, everyone I know is pregnant, or at least that is the perception of my mind.


He held me those first few days.  He was so present; I felt tenderly embraced.  And then now I feel so lost.  I know Him, I know He has never left me, but my perception of His presence has obviously changed. Now I am back here in this country, in this city and house I call home.  The silence is almost deafening.  The calm quiet emptiness that I did not expect to be surrounded by is a daily reminder of what was lost. The loss of a child, the loss of parenthood which I didn't even know I cared about, grieving the loss of a dream, the loss of MY plan.


As I am sitting in a worship service last week, we are singing 'I want to go deeper, I want to know you'. I can sense the LORD saying 'You asked for this'.  And not in the way that sounds.  Not the sorry for you, you're just getting what you wanted, mean way.  But in a tender, I know it hurts and is hard, truthful way.  I have begged for more of Him.  Pleaded that I just want to know Him and be intimately acquainted with Him.  And He was whispering, 'this is where I am, I am in the pain'.  I can't just want more of Him when it means more for me.  When there is promise of joy, riches, better piece of life.  I can't just say I will follow Him anywhere but truly only go where it is an outcome that I want.  In July I said I was willing to walk through the hard, willing to struggle for Him, willing to go on this adventure no matter what. But that was when the difficult looked glamorous.  Going to a 3rd world country, not having hot showers, eating posho and beans, walking through slums.  It is kind of glamorous from the outside, 'suffering for Jesus'.  Or something like that.  But this sitting in my house dealing with a situation that no one, including me, knows how to handle isn't so pretty.  People are unsure how to approach me.  Do they ask about it, do they ask how I am, do they just not talk about it at all.  And I am the same way.  What should I say to this person, how personal do I get, will it make them uncomfortable, will it make me uncomfortable.  Such awkwardness. 


All through scripture Jesus is walking toward the pain.  He is not just a God who gives us what we want and is satisfied with our faith in Him over that journey.  That makes me a fair weather lover if I only love Him when I get my way.  So maybe I just need to sit in the muck a while.  Maybe I just need to be willing to embrace the pain, find Him in the middle of it for a bit.  I don't think we are meant to stay there, for surely joy comes in the morning.  But I asked to know Him more and I don't want to neglect or reject this offer to know Him here just because its never where i wanted to be.  The last 3 or 4 days have been not so great ones.  As with any grief it comes in waves.  Suddenly something will catch me off guard and take me through thoughts and emotions I thought I had already dealt with.  I'm not really even sure how you can grieve something you never had. 


Then He takes me through things like spending 2 whole days listening to people talk about adoption/orphan care.  The thing my heart beats for.  Plus the completely unexpected emotions of Mother's Day.  The pain becomes fresh again, like it happened yesterday, but yet simultaneously He is applying salve to the wound.  If this plan of mine had been His perfect plan for my life, then I would be living it right now.  Which means that it wasn't.  And because of His goodness,  because of His great love, I have hope that something greater is on its way.


Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Adoption Update

These are words I never dreamed I would be writing: the adoption did not work out.

It is really hard to explain, but I will try my best.  From the moment I arrived in Uganda I did not have peace.  This is a place I love.  A place I had been waiting to return.  And yet I was restless, anxious, and physically ill.  I thought I was just nervous about going to court.  But it got worse everyday.  Even after court and several days with the child, it would not let up.  We were not even connecting.  I finally sought the care of a doctor in Kampala, an older British man who follows Jesus and has lived here for 30+ years.  He suggested that the anxiety might be a warning sign from the Lord.  I then went to a local church and had their prayer team pray over me.  My mom has been with me so we also discussed the situation.  I contacted my mentor and best friends back home for prayer and advice.  After all of this, I had to make the hardest decision of my life; to give back the child and suspend the adoption.

It was just not right for some reason.  I am still trying to wrap my mind around what happened.  I do not understand why I had to go all the way through the process before this was revealed to me.  My head is so confused about so much.  My heart, however, knows it was the right decision.  His peace has been overwhelming since that moment.  He has even sent confirmation to me through three different individuals. 

In the chaos, in confusion

I know You're sovereign still

In the moment of my weakness

You give me grace to do Your will

All my delight is in You LORD

All of my hope, all of my strength

All my delight is in You LORD forevermore

Though I am at peace, my heart is broken like never before.  I just knew this was His plan for my life.  I just knew I would get to rescue one of these precious children and give them a home.  Maybe for some reason this child was not meant to be mine.  Maybe she has another family out there where she can fulfill her Kingdom purpose.  Maybe she is supposed to grow up within Uganda and change her country.  Maybe it wasn't the right timing.  Maybe I am meant to give a different child a home as a part of  their Kingdom purpose.  I really don't know.  God generally doesn't waste time explaining His ways to us, nor does He have to.  We probably wouldn't understand anyway.  So I may never fully know the reason for this journey, for this heartache, for this oh so trying time.  But I know that He is faithful.  I know that He is a redeemer.  I know and believe that His ways are higher than my ways. 

I truly believe that adoption is part of the call of the Church and I believe He does have that some day for me. Until that time, I will continue to love and serve the orphans I come in contact with the best I can.  I know all of this may be very confusing or shocking to you.  It may not make any sense at all.  For that I am sorry.  He is up to something and I personally don't want to miss it.  I pray He reveals Himself to you as well through the observance of this.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your unfailing support through this entire thing. I have been blown away by your gifts, encouragement, advice, and so much more.  I will hold it all in my heart and draw from it now and in the future.  

FYI...If you have given financially to this adoption process I am so grateful for your support.  Any remaining funds will be donated to Hope Grafted In to help fund other adoptions.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
    let your glory be over all the earth.

Psalms 57:5

Parenthood

Two weeks from today, just 14 days from now, I will be a parent.  That is SO WEIRD.  I was never one of those girls who dreamed of being a mother her whole life.  I didn't nurture and coddle little baby dolls by feeding them, changing them, and putting them to bed.  I didn't make lists of what I would name my future children.  I was never completely sure I even wanted kids.  And then God did a redeeming act in my life a few years back and set my heart on fire for Him.   Suddenly the idea of His adoption of me became so real.  This truth that the Creator, a King, would choose to be my Daddy instead of lord His power over me.  That when I was spiritually an orphan with no one to care for me, left abandoned, abused, and forgotten, He would come to me, He would love me and nurture me and wipe the tears from my eyes.  Adopting me into His family, permanently.  Completely undeserved.  Why would I not want to do the same for another.  Whereas I cannot mimic this spiritual act, I can show the world a tangible example of what He has done for me in a physical act.

So motherhood has found me.  Most days I feel completely unqualified.  Some days I can barely take care of myself, let alone another human being.  Just about everything terrifies me from the plane ride, to our communication, to forgetting her someplace, and even bodily fluids!  But in some way it terrifies me more to not know this at all.  To not be following Him with all I have to give, to not know this kind of experience, this kind of love.  They say you have an entirely new view of God's love when you become a parent.  Getting possibly as close as you can to understanding the love of the Father.  That excites me. 

I may never be called the world's greatest mom.  Everyone knows I definitely won't be the most feminine, doting, nurturing one.  But the LORD has been so gracious to place some extraordinary examples in my path lately and I am learning a lot about a mother's love, adoption, His mercies, and so much more.  And I am learning that nobody does it the same.  That there is nothing wrong with being that type of parent, but there is nothing wrong with being my kind either.  If Zuri's maker wanted her to have a different mom then I'd be bringing home someone different.  His sovereignty is what I rest in.

To those of you who have relentlessly prayed for me, given chunks of your money away, sacrificed your time and energy, I am eternally grateful.  I could say thank you everyday for the rest of my life and it would never be enough.

Please continue to keep our situation in your prayers.  I travel on March 24 & 25, court is the 28th, and then there are a slew of other steps along with in country travel in the weeks after that.  I do not have a return date yet, but please pray for everything to go rather quickly as I have HGI things to attend to in the US at the beginning of May.  I've also been keenly aware of the darkness being pushed back and the enemy who hates all of this.  There is a spiritual battle raging and I need covering for that just as much.  If you think to lift up our future, we are coming home to a lot of uncertainty and we covet your prayers for this as well.

Thank you for following our journey! 

"For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?"