The Harder Things

It is amazing to me how I can see a lot of the same things each time I go and yet some of them strike me differently than previous trips.  I had a few of those hard moments this time.  Nothing really new, but they grieved my heart in a new way.  Things that are just not right.

Seeing kids MOB for a PIECE of a banana.

Looking into the yellow eyes of a week old baby with a hematoma and wondering if he would die in your arms.

Talking to a mother about what she views as most important for her child: food, medicine, education, or a family.  She may only get to choose ONE.

Knowing a pregnant woman contracts malaria then still goes to church the next morning to lead worship.

Seeing kids sleep in a bed with rat droppings.

Being reminded that you can take your seriously ill child to the doctor’s office and wait ALL DAY to be seen.

Experiencing for myself the average person's reality of fetching water.

Watching kids eat the same meal twice a day every day, knowing they will continue to for weeks, months, and YEARS.

Listening to a mom who gave up one of her children in hopes that she could better provide for the remaining ones.

Thankful for a God who has promised to rescue us from a broken world.  He is coming for us and there will be a day when these things and all the other tragedies no longer exist and are not even a memory.  All things will be made right in the presence of Him!  Until that day I will keep fighting to make sure people know of this Love.

Photo Post

Here are some of the fun shots from the trip.  Grateful for my friends who caught most of these moments for me!

my kids

needed UG to represent!

trying to be African...ish

conga line!

story time

music time

photo time

my mom's gifts blessing others

Mama Iren - story to come

Red Dirt or Bust!

It’s been too long.  WAY too long if you ask me.  When your heart resides in two different places, every day you are not in the other place is a day too long.  I haven’t been on African soil in 8 months and I haven’t had that beautiful red dust of Uganda on my feet in 15 months.  I have ached every one of those days to be back in that place that seized my heart without my permission.  My mouth waters for a rolex, my skin craves that fierce sun, my ears tuned to hear that accent, my arms ache to hold those precious ones, my feet anxious to ‘bring good news’ again.  So I asked and waited and longed, and He’s making these things real again in just 60 days.

It looks a little different this trip and that kind of excites me.  Though I suppose each time has been uniquely its own.  That is the God I love after all, never boring, never predictable, always surprising.  I am anticipating an entirely new adventure that leaves me marveling, maybe even a little bit restless, over what He might have for this experience.  I’m really excited to be able to spend some time with my friends Damalie and David.  They have had a lot of changes in their lives and their ministry since I first met them almost 3 years ago.  It will be fun to celebrate with them some of the most recent changes like moving the babies into their newly built permanent home!  I am also looking forward to seeing my sponsored kids Bruhan and Iren.  They change so quickly and are growing up so fast I’m afraid I won’t recognize them!  I will get to see their new school and love on them for a few days.  It is sure to be a sweet time.  Other than that I will just be going where He says go and doing whatever He puts in front of me.

I’ll be honest.  I wanted to keep this a secret.  Not for secret sake really.  I just wanted to keep it to myself.  I’m kind of a private person anyway, shocker I know, and I wanted to have my own private experience with the LORD, soak up His presence that comes on these trips.  I didn’t want to tell of my plans or ask for supporters, didn’t want to feel like I needed approval from anyone or be tempted to look for an at-a-girl.  And then the Spirit reminded me that it isn’t about me and what I want, or don’t want.  It’s about His glory.  Always.  That means being a story teller with my life.  Sharing my experiences, inviting you in.  I must use every opportunity He places in front of me to tell my story and how He is weaving that into His GREATER story. 

I am looking for 3 weekly prayer partners, if that tugs at your heart shoot me an email.

When Things Change

Several months ago I had an encounter with a prophet at my friend’s church.  Her words to me were “Get ready, things are going to change”.  I said ok, already thinking in my head of all the positive things that I thought were on the horizon.  Things I have waited for and prayed for, things that would enrich my life in ways I thought would be great.  I had already sorted that and filed it away when she took my friend aside and reiterated to her, “She needs to be ready because everything is going to change”.  My friend, being on the same page as me, said yes we know that and then also had a quick thought of all the good things that would be coming.  Fast-forward 14 months and this lady was right on, only not at all in the way I had envisioned.  In that time I lost my job and was unemployed for 5 months; I moved 3 times, one being to an entirely different state again; I lost friendships, ones that felt more like family; and now, possibly the hardest change of all, I’ve lost one of the greatest loves of my life thus far, working with HGI.

Details are not necessary here, but these are a few truths I’ve come to know firsthand.  We have a very real spiritual enemy who is out to destroy anything he can.  Especially things where the Gospel is being lived out and the LORD’s renown is being made known.  He cheats and steals and deceives and confuses.  Every one of us is prone to a deceived heart and although we desire to walk in the Spirit of grace given to us, we fail to do so often.  This enemy found a way to create a division that seemed impassable to the board and as a result they asked that I step away from the organization.

It has all been an incredibly hard and painful experience.  One I never saw coming.  And even though “everything is getting ready to change” had been spoken out loud, I didn’t know to be ready for all that!  How do you make that many changes and still see straight?  How do you risk engaging in friendships again? How do you let go of a love so deep in your soul, a passion seeded and grown by God?  You don’t. Not on your own at least, not without an abundance of God’s grace.  But that is what I have encountered and He has been so faithful to walk me through healing more each moment.  Some days have been easier to trust Him and rest in His arms than others, but He has always been right there, as an anchor for my soul.  Showering me with love and grace and calling me to give the same.  I want to be like Abraham and believe God for the promises He’s made.  The promise that He will use my life for His glory whether I understand His ways or not.  Lord, may I not waver in unbelief but be persuaded of your power.

Romans 4:20-21

²⁰ No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, ²¹ fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.

In a continuation of everything changing, there’s always a calm after the storm, right?!  I am now making a life in an entirely new place…again!  But I have been enjoying many sweet blessings from my loving Dad.  I have this job that seems too good to be true, I am soaking up incredible worship and teaching each week with a gospel centered community of believers, I am doing life in close proximity with others who desire to live their lives on mission, and I am enjoying rich new friendships.  BY HIS GRACE!  I really couldn’t ask for more (though being a bit closer to my family would have been nice L miss them like crazy) as I wait on Him to lead me on in this journey.

Hebrews 6:19

19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.

A little vacy...and perspective

I've been looking for a job for 4 months now.  Officially unemployed for 2 of those months.  And I am finding that few things make you more weary than job hunting.  Its been a rollercoaster of ups and downs, pessimism then optimism, doubt and faith.  But as with all things that happen in our lives, we get to decide where to camp.  In this instance, I can hang out in the nothing, or the nothing yet.  Because I'm still journeying in my walk, and will be until the day I die, its a daily choice I have to make.  He has been so tenderly guiding me to the faith camp.  In the not yet, I have found there are beautiful things to be had like time with family and friends, serving, recharging, and intimate time with Jesus.  Recognizing that I have an unlimited amount of unoccupied time makes it hard to appreciate these gifts.  I find myself wanting to dismiss them thinking I should be doing something more 'responsible' with my time.  But that is not the reality.  So I strive to see these moments for what they are, sweet moments in time that I'll only get once.

 

Took a little trip to see some friends where we got to worship, and serve, and adventure.  Then traveled on to HOMA!  Celebrated the great freedoms we have in this nation and also a certain little boy's birthday.  Then it was time to earn my keep helping my dad demo their bathroom and then start putting it back together again.  Also did a little painting and such.  In the middle of that there was a few days of lake time where reading, relaxing, and eating were the only things on the agenda.   A little more work followed that time, just to make sure I wasn't bored.  Mix in a whole lot of great time with dear friends where we laughed and called out blessings and processed hard seasons.  Of course it isn't summer in OK without an Icy and a drive around Overholser.  And now I am working on blocking out the torture of that LONG drive back.  Though I must say it is a beautiful country we live in and He is a masterful artist. I am so grateful to have had that time even though it was only possible because of a lack.  Somehow He is always making beautiful things out of ashes.

And now it's back to the hunt...

I was Them

Almost every single moment of this last trip to Uganda was my favorite.  Each moment superseded the one before it.  How could it get better? And then it just would.  He was constantly more and more and more.  And then it was our last day.  The poverty we came face to face with was more than every one of us could bear. People wearing rags, filthy, ravaged by sickness, addicted to substances, sleeping in the dirt, walking around just waiting to die.  My heart always ends up at a place of great pain and sorrow for these people. But if I were honest, it does not start there. It usually starts with, "I'm so glad that isn't me".

It wasn't until I was daydreaming in a church pew on that first Sunday back, struggling to engage in worship, that I really started to process.  That really IS me.  Or more accurately, WAS me.  Wasn't the poverty of my soul identical to this?  Wasn't I stumbling around in filthy rags, sleeping in stench, addicted to all things evil before I knew Him?  Before He came to me, wasn't I walking around just waiting to die? 

But in His great mercy, He did come to me. I could have never made it to Him.  Like this village, I was miles from anywhere.  I would not even have known what direction to walk.  That's provided I even had within me the strength or desire to walk.  I could have NEVER made it to Him.  Even still He came to me in the trenches of my despair and rescued me. HE. Almighty. Righteous. Holy. Magnificent. Pure. Beauty. PERFECTION.  Took me out, washed me with perfumed soaps, dressed me in fine robes, fed me with choicest of foods until contentment, laid me in royal bedding and said its all yours and more.

The thought of that is almost more than I can bear. I am so undeserving. Its really no wonder that I sometimes walk around this life fumbling about, making inappropriate comments, completely out of place. Me, this worst of all sinners turned daughter of a King.  Oh how often I forget.