Red Dirt or Bust!

It’s been too long.  WAY too long if you ask me.  When your heart resides in two different places, every day you are not in the other place is a day too long.  I haven’t been on African soil in 8 months and I haven’t had that beautiful red dust of Uganda on my feet in 15 months.  I have ached every one of those days to be back in that place that seized my heart without my permission.  My mouth waters for a rolex, my skin craves that fierce sun, my ears tuned to hear that accent, my arms ache to hold those precious ones, my feet anxious to ‘bring good news’ again.  So I asked and waited and longed, and He’s making these things real again in just 60 days.

It looks a little different this trip and that kind of excites me.  Though I suppose each time has been uniquely its own.  That is the God I love after all, never boring, never predictable, always surprising.  I am anticipating an entirely new adventure that leaves me marveling, maybe even a little bit restless, over what He might have for this experience.  I’m really excited to be able to spend some time with my friends Damalie and David.  They have had a lot of changes in their lives and their ministry since I first met them almost 3 years ago.  It will be fun to celebrate with them some of the most recent changes like moving the babies into their newly built permanent home!  I am also looking forward to seeing my sponsored kids Bruhan and Iren.  They change so quickly and are growing up so fast I’m afraid I won’t recognize them!  I will get to see their new school and love on them for a few days.  It is sure to be a sweet time.  Other than that I will just be going where He says go and doing whatever He puts in front of me.

I’ll be honest.  I wanted to keep this a secret.  Not for secret sake really.  I just wanted to keep it to myself.  I’m kind of a private person anyway, shocker I know, and I wanted to have my own private experience with the LORD, soak up His presence that comes on these trips.  I didn’t want to tell of my plans or ask for supporters, didn’t want to feel like I needed approval from anyone or be tempted to look for an at-a-girl.  And then the Spirit reminded me that it isn’t about me and what I want, or don’t want.  It’s about His glory.  Always.  That means being a story teller with my life.  Sharing my experiences, inviting you in.  I must use every opportunity He places in front of me to tell my story and how He is weaving that into His GREATER story. 

I am looking for 3 weekly prayer partners, if that tugs at your heart shoot me an email.

When Things Change

Several months ago I had an encounter with a prophet at my friend’s church.  Her words to me were “Get ready, things are going to change”.  I said ok, already thinking in my head of all the positive things that I thought were on the horizon.  Things I have waited for and prayed for, things that would enrich my life in ways I thought would be great.  I had already sorted that and filed it away when she took my friend aside and reiterated to her, “She needs to be ready because everything is going to change”.  My friend, being on the same page as me, said yes we know that and then also had a quick thought of all the good things that would be coming.  Fast-forward 14 months and this lady was right on, only not at all in the way I had envisioned.  In that time I lost my job and was unemployed for 5 months; I moved 3 times, one being to an entirely different state again; I lost friendships, ones that felt more like family; and now, possibly the hardest change of all, I’ve lost one of the greatest loves of my life thus far, working with HGI.

Details are not necessary here, but these are a few truths I’ve come to know firsthand.  We have a very real spiritual enemy who is out to destroy anything he can.  Especially things where the Gospel is being lived out and the LORD’s renown is being made known.  He cheats and steals and deceives and confuses.  Every one of us is prone to a deceived heart and although we desire to walk in the Spirit of grace given to us, we fail to do so often.  This enemy found a way to create a division that seemed impassable to the board and as a result they asked that I step away from the organization.

It has all been an incredibly hard and painful experience.  One I never saw coming.  And even though “everything is getting ready to change” had been spoken out loud, I didn’t know to be ready for all that!  How do you make that many changes and still see straight?  How do you risk engaging in friendships again? How do you let go of a love so deep in your soul, a passion seeded and grown by God?  You don’t. Not on your own at least, not without an abundance of God’s grace.  But that is what I have encountered and He has been so faithful to walk me through healing more each moment.  Some days have been easier to trust Him and rest in His arms than others, but He has always been right there, as an anchor for my soul.  Showering me with love and grace and calling me to give the same.  I want to be like Abraham and believe God for the promises He’s made.  The promise that He will use my life for His glory whether I understand His ways or not.  Lord, may I not waver in unbelief but be persuaded of your power.

Romans 4:20-21

²⁰ No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, ²¹ fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.

In a continuation of everything changing, there’s always a calm after the storm, right?!  I am now making a life in an entirely new place…again!  But I have been enjoying many sweet blessings from my loving Dad.  I have this job that seems too good to be true, I am soaking up incredible worship and teaching each week with a gospel centered community of believers, I am doing life in close proximity with others who desire to live their lives on mission, and I am enjoying rich new friendships.  BY HIS GRACE!  I really couldn’t ask for more (though being a bit closer to my family would have been nice L miss them like crazy) as I wait on Him to lead me on in this journey.

Hebrews 6:19

19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.

A little vacy...and perspective

I've been looking for a job for 4 months now.  Officially unemployed for 2 of those months.  And I am finding that few things make you more weary than job hunting.  Its been a rollercoaster of ups and downs, pessimism then optimism, doubt and faith.  But as with all things that happen in our lives, we get to decide where to camp.  In this instance, I can hang out in the nothing, or the nothing yet.  Because I'm still journeying in my walk, and will be until the day I die, its a daily choice I have to make.  He has been so tenderly guiding me to the faith camp.  In the not yet, I have found there are beautiful things to be had like time with family and friends, serving, recharging, and intimate time with Jesus.  Recognizing that I have an unlimited amount of unoccupied time makes it hard to appreciate these gifts.  I find myself wanting to dismiss them thinking I should be doing something more 'responsible' with my time.  But that is not the reality.  So I strive to see these moments for what they are, sweet moments in time that I'll only get once.

 

Took a little trip to see some friends where we got to worship, and serve, and adventure.  Then traveled on to HOMA!  Celebrated the great freedoms we have in this nation and also a certain little boy's birthday.  Then it was time to earn my keep helping my dad demo their bathroom and then start putting it back together again.  Also did a little painting and such.  In the middle of that there was a few days of lake time where reading, relaxing, and eating were the only things on the agenda.   A little more work followed that time, just to make sure I wasn't bored.  Mix in a whole lot of great time with dear friends where we laughed and called out blessings and processed hard seasons.  Of course it isn't summer in OK without an Icy and a drive around Overholser.  And now I am working on blocking out the torture of that LONG drive back.  Though I must say it is a beautiful country we live in and He is a masterful artist. I am so grateful to have had that time even though it was only possible because of a lack.  Somehow He is always making beautiful things out of ashes.

And now it's back to the hunt...

I was Them

Almost every single moment of this last trip to Uganda was my favorite.  Each moment superseded the one before it.  How could it get better? And then it just would.  He was constantly more and more and more.  And then it was our last day.  The poverty we came face to face with was more than every one of us could bear. People wearing rags, filthy, ravaged by sickness, addicted to substances, sleeping in the dirt, walking around just waiting to die.  My heart always ends up at a place of great pain and sorrow for these people. But if I were honest, it does not start there. It usually starts with, "I'm so glad that isn't me".

It wasn't until I was daydreaming in a church pew on that first Sunday back, struggling to engage in worship, that I really started to process.  That really IS me.  Or more accurately, WAS me.  Wasn't the poverty of my soul identical to this?  Wasn't I stumbling around in filthy rags, sleeping in stench, addicted to all things evil before I knew Him?  Before He came to me, wasn't I walking around just waiting to die? 

But in His great mercy, He did come to me. I could have never made it to Him.  Like this village, I was miles from anywhere.  I would not even have known what direction to walk.  That's provided I even had within me the strength or desire to walk.  I could have NEVER made it to Him.  Even still He came to me in the trenches of my despair and rescued me. HE. Almighty. Righteous. Holy. Magnificent. Pure. Beauty. PERFECTION.  Took me out, washed me with perfumed soaps, dressed me in fine robes, fed me with choicest of foods until contentment, laid me in royal bedding and said its all yours and more.

The thought of that is almost more than I can bear. I am so undeserving. Its really no wonder that I sometimes walk around this life fumbling about, making inappropriate comments, completely out of place. Me, this worst of all sinners turned daughter of a King.  Oh how often I forget.

Being Just Part of the Story

I have a weakness.  Okay, I have MANY weaknesses.  One of them is that sometimes I want to know everything, the whole story.  I want to see things to completion. When it comes to His plan for my life I want all the details and I want to know how it works out before I even start.  Which, if you have been following the LORD for any time at all, you are probably laughing right now.  That never happens.  We would have no need for faith if that were the case.  We would never grow, develop, or change.  And I know that...in my head.  But that doesn't stop me from still hesitating so many times, holding that doubt in my heart that He really does know what He is doing.  Not trusting that He's had it all figured out, and well before I even arrived on the scene. 

My dissolved adoption has by far been the most difficult thing I have ever been through.  I knew I made the right decision and the Lord gave me many confirmations, but it was still always on my mind.  In moments of faithlessness, there was still that doubting, that tinge of guilt all sent from the enemy to get me questioning.  My heart ached so much because I didn't know how it would all turn out.  Would I ever see if this was the right decision for her, and the right one for me.  In the days and weeks that followed I prayed more times than I can count that God would let me see the story He was writing. That out of His great love for me, even though He owes me no explanation, that He would allow me to see with my flesh eyes that it was indeed what was best.  Sometimes we don't get to see the beauty of His story this side of Heaven, and I accepted that might be the case.  I was learning to trust Him on a whole new level.  Daniel 3:18 has always been one of my favorite verses: "But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."  I have taken those phrases and adapted them to situations all throughout my life.  This was no different.  I prayed "Please LORD let me see, but even if you don't, I will still trust you."

Then out of His goodness He gave me the gift of seeing!  Last week I was contacted by none other than Z's new mom!!  The day I had left Uganda, broken and confused, my lawyer referred that little girl to this lady. She accepted, and with God's provisional hand, officially adopted her just 3 months later.  I can hardly believe it.  Knowing that He has been in all the details.  Reflecting on how He has tenderly cared for my broken heart, guiding me toward deeper faith in the One who holds my future.  The LORD truly loves, cares for, and protects the orphaned and vulnerable. 

Her mother said something to me that really touched me.  She said that I will always be a part of her daughter's story.  How honoring that the LORD would allow me that.  May I continually learn the beauty of being a part of other's stories.  Of fulfilling my role no matter how big or small so His glory is revealed.  May your Kingdom come LORD.

Imani Ruth going to Kindergarden

Living Alive

Lately I have found myself wishing that someday life would just settle into a normal, casual, calm, routine life.  Where the hardest decision to make is which book to read or what's for supper.  Whether I want to wear flip flops or tennis shoes, ride my bike or go for a jog.  A time when I can stop putting so much thought into being a wise steward of my resources. A time when my heart doesn't ache over things I can never fix.  And a time when I can stop saying goodbyes for crying out loud.  Where things are calm and I can live a life of pleasure.  Where my heart doesn't hurt ALL THE TIME for one reason or another.  I'm just so tired of huge decisions, life altering choices, intentional living, and experiencing such strong emotions for extended periods of time.  I'm a simpleton.  I like simple.  And life has been anything but simple for quite some time now.

Yet right in the middle of those very thoughts I stop myself.  I tell God that I take it all back.  I don't really mean it, not deep down.  Because I have lived that ignorant, simple life once, and for far too long.  Living a life that thought of myself first.  No fire for anything burning deep in my soul.  No agonizing over decisions because there were none to agonize over.  What I would have given in those moments for my heart to be alive and for my life to reflect that. 

I'm realizing that the only time things aren't hard or painful, the only time things are calm and carefree, is when you are dead.  Living takes work.  So I will take this hard again, this pain, confusion, separating, growing, changing because it means I'm still living.  It means I have a purpose to fulfill and I'm on that journey going the right direction.  Parts of my being still cry out for that old life, and I daydream about how much easier it would be to just give in and go back.  But I'll embrace these moments, because I believe it is in these moments that I am living fully alive.

Learning

Suddenly its been like when you get a new car and everyone has the same one, or so it seems.  Everyone is talking adoption, there are little kids around every corner, everyone I know is pregnant, or at least that is the perception of my mind.


He held me those first few days.  He was so present; I felt tenderly embraced.  And then now I feel so lost.  I know Him, I know He has never left me, but my perception of His presence has obviously changed. Now I am back here in this country, in this city and house I call home.  The silence is almost deafening.  The calm quiet emptiness that I did not expect to be surrounded by is a daily reminder of what was lost. The loss of a child, the loss of parenthood which I didn't even know I cared about, grieving the loss of a dream, the loss of MY plan.


As I am sitting in a worship service last week, we are singing 'I want to go deeper, I want to know you'. I can sense the LORD saying 'You asked for this'.  And not in the way that sounds.  Not the sorry for you, you're just getting what you wanted, mean way.  But in a tender, I know it hurts and is hard, truthful way.  I have begged for more of Him.  Pleaded that I just want to know Him and be intimately acquainted with Him.  And He was whispering, 'this is where I am, I am in the pain'.  I can't just want more of Him when it means more for me.  When there is promise of joy, riches, better piece of life.  I can't just say I will follow Him anywhere but truly only go where it is an outcome that I want.  In July I said I was willing to walk through the hard, willing to struggle for Him, willing to go on this adventure no matter what. But that was when the difficult looked glamorous.  Going to a 3rd world country, not having hot showers, eating posho and beans, walking through slums.  It is kind of glamorous from the outside, 'suffering for Jesus'.  Or something like that.  But this sitting in my house dealing with a situation that no one, including me, knows how to handle isn't so pretty.  People are unsure how to approach me.  Do they ask about it, do they ask how I am, do they just not talk about it at all.  And I am the same way.  What should I say to this person, how personal do I get, will it make them uncomfortable, will it make me uncomfortable.  Such awkwardness. 


All through scripture Jesus is walking toward the pain.  He is not just a God who gives us what we want and is satisfied with our faith in Him over that journey.  That makes me a fair weather lover if I only love Him when I get my way.  So maybe I just need to sit in the muck a while.  Maybe I just need to be willing to embrace the pain, find Him in the middle of it for a bit.  I don't think we are meant to stay there, for surely joy comes in the morning.  But I asked to know Him more and I don't want to neglect or reject this offer to know Him here just because its never where i wanted to be.  The last 3 or 4 days have been not so great ones.  As with any grief it comes in waves.  Suddenly something will catch me off guard and take me through thoughts and emotions I thought I had already dealt with.  I'm not really even sure how you can grieve something you never had. 


Then He takes me through things like spending 2 whole days listening to people talk about adoption/orphan care.  The thing my heart beats for.  Plus the completely unexpected emotions of Mother's Day.  The pain becomes fresh again, like it happened yesterday, but yet simultaneously He is applying salve to the wound.  If this plan of mine had been His perfect plan for my life, then I would be living it right now.  Which means that it wasn't.  And because of His goodness,  because of His great love, I have hope that something greater is on its way.


Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.