Adoption Update

These are words I never dreamed I would be writing: the adoption did not work out.

It is really hard to explain, but I will try my best.  From the moment I arrived in Uganda I did not have peace.  This is a place I love.  A place I had been waiting to return.  And yet I was restless, anxious, and physically ill.  I thought I was just nervous about going to court.  But it got worse everyday.  Even after court and several days with the child, it would not let up.  We were not even connecting.  I finally sought the care of a doctor in Kampala, an older British man who follows Jesus and has lived here for 30+ years.  He suggested that the anxiety might be a warning sign from the Lord.  I then went to a local church and had their prayer team pray over me.  My mom has been with me so we also discussed the situation.  I contacted my mentor and best friends back home for prayer and advice.  After all of this, I had to make the hardest decision of my life; to give back the child and suspend the adoption.

It was just not right for some reason.  I am still trying to wrap my mind around what happened.  I do not understand why I had to go all the way through the process before this was revealed to me.  My head is so confused about so much.  My heart, however, knows it was the right decision.  His peace has been overwhelming since that moment.  He has even sent confirmation to me through three different individuals. 

In the chaos, in confusion

I know You're sovereign still

In the moment of my weakness

You give me grace to do Your will

All my delight is in You LORD

All of my hope, all of my strength

All my delight is in You LORD forevermore

Though I am at peace, my heart is broken like never before.  I just knew this was His plan for my life.  I just knew I would get to rescue one of these precious children and give them a home.  Maybe for some reason this child was not meant to be mine.  Maybe she has another family out there where she can fulfill her Kingdom purpose.  Maybe she is supposed to grow up within Uganda and change her country.  Maybe it wasn't the right timing.  Maybe I am meant to give a different child a home as a part of  their Kingdom purpose.  I really don't know.  God generally doesn't waste time explaining His ways to us, nor does He have to.  We probably wouldn't understand anyway.  So I may never fully know the reason for this journey, for this heartache, for this oh so trying time.  But I know that He is faithful.  I know that He is a redeemer.  I know and believe that His ways are higher than my ways. 

I truly believe that adoption is part of the call of the Church and I believe He does have that some day for me. Until that time, I will continue to love and serve the orphans I come in contact with the best I can.  I know all of this may be very confusing or shocking to you.  It may not make any sense at all.  For that I am sorry.  He is up to something and I personally don't want to miss it.  I pray He reveals Himself to you as well through the observance of this.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your unfailing support through this entire thing. I have been blown away by your gifts, encouragement, advice, and so much more.  I will hold it all in my heart and draw from it now and in the future.  

FYI...If you have given financially to this adoption process I am so grateful for your support.  Any remaining funds will be donated to Hope Grafted In to help fund other adoptions.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
    let your glory be over all the earth.

Psalms 57:5

Parenthood

Two weeks from today, just 14 days from now, I will be a parent.  That is SO WEIRD.  I was never one of those girls who dreamed of being a mother her whole life.  I didn't nurture and coddle little baby dolls by feeding them, changing them, and putting them to bed.  I didn't make lists of what I would name my future children.  I was never completely sure I even wanted kids.  And then God did a redeeming act in my life a few years back and set my heart on fire for Him.   Suddenly the idea of His adoption of me became so real.  This truth that the Creator, a King, would choose to be my Daddy instead of lord His power over me.  That when I was spiritually an orphan with no one to care for me, left abandoned, abused, and forgotten, He would come to me, He would love me and nurture me and wipe the tears from my eyes.  Adopting me into His family, permanently.  Completely undeserved.  Why would I not want to do the same for another.  Whereas I cannot mimic this spiritual act, I can show the world a tangible example of what He has done for me in a physical act.

So motherhood has found me.  Most days I feel completely unqualified.  Some days I can barely take care of myself, let alone another human being.  Just about everything terrifies me from the plane ride, to our communication, to forgetting her someplace, and even bodily fluids!  But in some way it terrifies me more to not know this at all.  To not be following Him with all I have to give, to not know this kind of experience, this kind of love.  They say you have an entirely new view of God's love when you become a parent.  Getting possibly as close as you can to understanding the love of the Father.  That excites me. 

I may never be called the world's greatest mom.  Everyone knows I definitely won't be the most feminine, doting, nurturing one.  But the LORD has been so gracious to place some extraordinary examples in my path lately and I am learning a lot about a mother's love, adoption, His mercies, and so much more.  And I am learning that nobody does it the same.  That there is nothing wrong with being that type of parent, but there is nothing wrong with being my kind either.  If Zuri's maker wanted her to have a different mom then I'd be bringing home someone different.  His sovereignty is what I rest in.

To those of you who have relentlessly prayed for me, given chunks of your money away, sacrificed your time and energy, I am eternally grateful.  I could say thank you everyday for the rest of my life and it would never be enough.

Please continue to keep our situation in your prayers.  I travel on March 24 & 25, court is the 28th, and then there are a slew of other steps along with in country travel in the weeks after that.  I do not have a return date yet, but please pray for everything to go rather quickly as I have HGI things to attend to in the US at the beginning of May.  I've also been keenly aware of the darkness being pushed back and the enemy who hates all of this.  There is a spiritual battle raging and I need covering for that just as much.  If you think to lift up our future, we are coming home to a lot of uncertainty and we covet your prayers for this as well.

Thank you for following our journey! 

"For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?"

The Next Step

Hope Grafted In, the non-profit I helped establish last year, has grown faster and larger than we could have imagined. God took an idea we first had in January 2012, and transformed it into the blessing of sending emergency relief grants to 5 separate ministries, sponsoring almost 60 children and adults, and directing over $40,000 to fulfill needs by the end of the year. I stand in awe that the Lord has chosen us to impact lives around the world. We are just three ordinary, broken women who have been redeemed by a great Love. By His grace and mercy, we are doing what we can to reflect that love to a hurting world. It feels as if I have stumbled upon the most amazing adventure, while at the same time I am fully aware that in His great plan there is no ‘stumbling upon’ at all. He has clearly directed our steps.

The HGI board believes that God has placed me in the unique position to become a full time staff member of HGI and spend my days completely pouring into this work.

Some of my taks will include:

• Communications and accountability with our partner ministries
• Fundraising and grant writing
• Sustainable project development
• Trip coordinating

The board has reviewed our current financial situation and has come to the conclusion that it is best, at this time, for me to raise funds directly for this purpose.

They have also reviewed my personal budget needs and determined what they believe to be an honorable annual salary. This number requires sacrifice on my part, but it will cover my needs. As Christ-followers we know that nothing we have is really ours. This situation makes that truth ever clear to me. I want to be a good steward of every penny that is donated, because none of it belongs to me.

These funds are the tool that will allow me to dedicate my time to this cause. I am looking for $1900 per month.

There are few things I dislike more than having to ask others for help. I like to accomplish things myself: work hard, sacrifice, struggle if I have to, but not rely on others. However, God is certainly refining humility in my life these days. The truth I have come to realize is that I do need you. We all need each other really. He designed us that way. I see His hand before me paving this path to walk down. So I am taking a step of faith and walking out on the ledge here. I trust that He will put another stone out each day for me to stand upon, providing exactly what is needed, one day at a time. I would be honored if you would partner with me in this next chapter of my adventure. With your resources and mine, we can make a difference in His world.

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.  Psalm 37:4-6

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This and That

Seeing as it has been forever since I have written anything, I thought I'd jot a few thoughts down.  Time has been an interesting thing. I have been home for 6 weeks and it has just flown by.  Time moves SO much faster here than in Africa.  And six weeks isn't even a terribly long time but it feels like forever since I have been in Uganda, and Kenya I can hardly even remember now.  It feels like an entire lifetime ago. 

We did Christmas and the New Years and that was nice.  A little rare Oklahoma snow sandwiched between our 50 and 60 degree weather at least made it feel like the holidays, for a moment.  I needed the convincing seeing as I had spent the last 6 months in 70 and 80 degree weather! 

I had the privilege of spending some resbit time in Florida with my mentor.  What a treat to be served and loved.  There was laughing and crying and Jesus.  It is one of my favorite places to be.  Always hard to go home from there. 

Then it was time for the sister to leave on her adventure.  What a weird feeling to know that she is going to be experiencing some of the same things that I just lived.  An entirely different adventure for her, but some similar feelings, struggles, emotions, refining process.  I had a little bit of a hard time with that one.  Felt like I should be going with her to walk her through stuff or protect her.  But it's not my story, it's hers and she will have to wade her way through it with Christ alone. 

I had to get serious and start attending to my duties with HGI, so I took a couple weeks and went to my partner's house in Indiana.  We caught up on a bunch of stuff personally and with work. We also played quite a bit with new addition Emmanuel!  We went over our next few months and what they will hold and dreamed about visions for the future.  I am left completely speechless when I look back at this story He is writing through our lives together.  When I met her 15mos ago I never could have dreamed the friendship we would have and the honor it is to be doing this thing together.  Our board finally got to spend some time all together too!  That place feels like a second home and I can't wait to get back.

 

 And then in between all of that we lost two family members within 4 days of each other.  Both older and ready to get on to paradise, but still it hurts a little.  It is a weird feeling when you loose your last living grandparent.  A whole generation of your family suddenly no longer here.  Funerals are always a good reminder though. I want to be living my life on purpose everyday for that which He has called me to.  Someday whether next week or 60 years from now, someone will read an obituary about me.  I want it to be filled with God things.  So that people will know that I have LIVED for Him not just existed for me, every single day not just for a couple years when I was thirty something.

 

In other news....there is no other news.  As far as "What are your plans now?", "When do you go back?", "What are you going to do for a living?", "Any updates on adoption?" you can refer to this post and you will have the answer to all of these. 

Grieving

One of the hardest parts of following this Love, is the refining process that He takes us through; the pain that comes with the shaping.  I am home now and enjoying so many things that come with that.  I have spent great time with the little man in my life making some cool memories. I have enjoyed the company of dear friends as we catch up.  I am using water from the tap and able to go where I want when I want in my own vehicle.  But at the same time I am enjoying these things, there is great pain.  My heart aches.  I equally and simultaneously want to be in two entirely different places at once.  My heart aches to spend another moment with those boys who touched my heart.  It aches to live in the simplicity.  To be immersed in need and so there is no other response but to act.  And then there are these girls who, in the most unlikely way, became some of the best friends I have ever known and what I wouldn’t give for just another moment with them.  I am grieving these losses.  Many disagree and say that it is too intense of a term, but I am telling you that is what it is.  I know because there are spontaneous outbursts of tears throughout the day at random moments that I can’t control.  And because of the fogginess of thought that causes for very slow responses to even basic questions or statements, or the inability to make any decision at all.   There is daydreaming that finds me disengaged from the people around me, making for awkward moments where I am not present with those I love.  I waft in and out of denial, anger, depression, and acceptance. 

 

I find myself having conversations with God like ‘please don’t make me do that again’ or ‘I just can’t handle anymore’.  And I don’t mean it.  Not really.  I just mean this hurts and I don’t know what to do with it.  And I love that He is so in love with me that He just listens and says “Its okay, get it all out, I can handle it.  I know your heart and I don’t just listen to your words.”  And it’s going to be okay, I am going to be okay.  Or at least that is what I keep telling myself, over and over again everyday.  And I think I am doing well until I see that picture, or hear that sound, and then I’ve lost it again.  Once again it looked NOTHING like I anticipated.  But I wouldn’t undo any of it.  There was purpose in this journey.  There is always purpose in the pain, because I serve a God who wastes nothing.  Who uses everything to weave His tapestry with my life.  He began singing this to my soul many months ago “Come away with me.  I have a plan for you, its gonna be wild, its gonna be great, its gonna be full of Me” (Jesus Culture) and it has been absolutely true.  I don’t want to go away with anyone else.  Even if I have to experience a little, or a lot, of grief, sometimes the healing makes it all worth it. 

 

Isaiah 25:1

O LORD, you are my God;

I will exalt you and praise your name,

for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things,

things planned long ago.

 

A Holy Moment

Very few times in my life have I experienced a truly holy moment. 

 

One that takes your breath away. 

 

One that you can never remake. 

 

One that you wish you could stay in forever. 

 

Yesterday was one such moment.  And maybe it happens often and I am just too blind to see.  Blinded by my selfishness, my comfort, my ignorance so I don’t recognize the beauty of His presence.  Yet He still invites me in to another.  It was just another regular day here, nothing unique.  Same types of plans that have filled most of the last couple weeks.  But instead of walking down to see the ex-street kids my housemates and I sometimes hang out with, we decide to go into the slum where they came from and buy some current street kids dinner.  So we go.  To the slum.  To the trash heap where people live.

Where kids sniff airplane fuel to escape the tragedies of their life.  Where we wouldn’t even let our dogs go.   It’s hard to say this, but until you have been here you won’t understand.  I was not real affected.  Living here I’ve seen the poverty, the evil, the heartache everyday, everywhere I go.  As horrible as it sounds, it is hard to be shocked anymore.  I don’t particularly like that fact, and Jesus and I are working that out, but it is the truth.  Not that I didn’t see the disgusting clothes they wear, or think it sad that they call this place home, or wish for them a better tomorrow.  I just am no longer shaken. 

 

We walk through the streets ‘gathering’ kids along the way and end up at a community center type building.  We have managed to arrive with something like 40 boys and a few young girls who latched on to our fingers during the trek.  One of my housemates had a ‘random’ idea earlier in the day to stop by the pharmacy and pick up a few first aid supplies.  Some soap, band-aids, gauze, tape.  Simple things.  She brought it down with us thinking maybe someone might need something.  What a cool God prompting we would find out.  The moment we walk into the building they begin showing us their cuts and sores.  I would just like to point out here that I sometimes get nauseous when people just talk about wounds.  I’m not very good at bodily fluids or anything that looks like it might hurt.  And my friend Georgia is just like me.  So out of three, two of us are pretty sure we may end up passing out.  But then the Spirit of the LORD takes over and says be My hands and feet, live out the scriptures, be Jesus with skin on for these boys and I will be the strength and courage you need.  So we kick into gear creating an impromptu minor first aid clinic.  The boys line up and we prepare our supplies and one by one we clean their scratches, sores, and gashes.  
 

 

We apply gauze and tape; give them a smile and gentle touch.   They are just like any other kids, wanting someone to care about the boo boo.  Whether they are 8 or 18, the touch of someone tenderly and attentively caring for them is food for their souls.  We do this for around two hours.  The food comes and we are able to give them a sandwich bag of beans and chapatti.  Less quantity than I would eat for a snack.  Fights almost break out and the manipulation begins as they swear they did not receive any, even though I watched them eat it with my own eyes.  But after they eat they linger still.  There is only one last boy we are working on.  A two inch gash on the bottom of his foot with red flesh wide open leaving us all cringing just a bit.  Okay a lot actually (You’ll be happy to know, or at least we were thrilled, that no one passed out!).

  

And as he is being attended to, one of the uncles we have with us comes with a boy saying that he wants prayer.  He believes we are pastors and wants someone to pray over him.  He doesn’t know any English so after Joseph interprets for me I tell him I would love to but it won't be in Luganda.  The boy says that is fine.  So I put both hands on this boy and whisper in his ear prayers the best I can for someone I have never stood in the shoes of for even a millisecond.  I have to speak slowly because I am on the verge of breaking down into hysterics in this moment.  I am so grateful the Spirit interprets for me.  I’m not sure what to prayer for, much less how to pray for it.  As I rise and wipe off my sopping wet face, there have gathered another 6 or 7 who all want the same.  They don’t even know what I am saying and yet they want it too.  Yes, half of them were probably high, and maybe it was just because I was a white female, but does it really matter what brings us to His throne as long as we are there.  So I continue on down the line.  I realize later that my lack of surprise may not be all bad.  Because I am not taken aback by their smell or sores or drugged speech, I am able to accept these kids just as they are.  I can immediately shake their hand, give them a hug, listen to them tell their story.  I can touch their head and whisper a prayer.  I can give them a band-aid for their toe and hope it becomes more. 

 

We finish wrapping gash guy’s foot and tell the remaining ones goodbye.  In a moment that didn’t take an ounce of thought, the three of us decide we will come back in a few days to redress his foot and maybe clean some more wounds.  I wonder how many won’t just be physical.  I know that day will be different, and maybe spectacular in it's own way.  But it won’t be this day.  This day I fell more in love with my Savior.  This day was a holy moment. 

 

 

Until Next Time

I have been in Africa for 5 long, hard, beautiful months and soon I will be standing back on Oklahoma soil.  What a WEIRD feeling.  Every day that I am here is difficult in some capacity, whether it is simple things like no electricity or complex things like 12 year olds impregnated by their brother's rape.  And every day I think about home and the things I miss and the things I think I want so bad when I return.  But yet every day this place settles deeper and deeper into my being and those things fade just a bit.  So even when I found out I was finally going home, the moment of elation was short and the heaviness of leaving settled in.  It's hard to picture staying but I can't imagine going either.  When people say that Africa gets inside of you, they are telling the truth.  Whether you have been here 5 months or just 5 days, it touches you.  It embeds deep within, and steals a piece of your heart forever.

Maybe part of it isn't the physical place so much as it is the spiritual place.  I have been on one of the wildest adventures of my life and I don't want it to end.  I'm not ready to have all the old distractions vying for my affection to come rushing back in and divert me from the work at hand.  Being about my Father's work is the cry of my heart.  To know Him and make Him know.  I want to live in this intimacy forver.

From about day 2 this journey has looked entirely different than anything I thought it would be.  I am partly grateful for that.  Though incredibly difficult, it made every task, every word, every moment more reflective of Him.  I can take absolutely no credit for all that He did with HGI, because it was nothing like I intended.  I cannot for a moment claim that I made any progress on adoption, because all of my plans failed, it was all Him.  None of these days were as I envisioned and because of that I have nothing to boast in.  He deserves all the glory.  He wrote and exquisite story on my heart in these months, and I fear I'll never be able  to express it or reflect it with all the splendor it deserves.  But I will have it with me forever and I'll have Africa to go with it.  So until we meet again, I will carry this dust on my feet.


For those of you sad there was no adoption update in there, I apologize but I am not at liberty to go into details.  Just know that I am in the middle of a case.  So you can rejoice with me and continue to pray.  I hope to be able to shout something to the world soon!  Thank you for your love and support. 
I am eternally grateful.