It is really hard to explain, but I will try my best. From the moment I arrived in Uganda I did not have peace. This is a place I love. A place I had been waiting to return. And yet I was restless, anxious, and physically ill. I thought I was just nervous about going to court. But it got worse everyday. Even after court and several days with the child, it would not let up. We were not even connecting. I finally sought the care of a doctor in Kampala, an older British man who follows Jesus and has lived here for 30+ years. He suggested that the anxiety might be a warning sign from the Lord. I then went to a local church and had their prayer team pray over me. My mom has been with me so we also discussed the situation. I contacted my mentor and best friends back home for prayer and advice. After all of this, I had to make the hardest decision of my life; to give back the child and suspend the adoption.
It was just not right for some reason. I am still trying to wrap my mind around what happened. I do not understand why I had to go all the way through the process before this was revealed to me. My head is so confused about so much. My heart, however, knows it was the right decision. His peace has been overwhelming since that moment. He has even sent confirmation to me through three different individuals.
In the chaos, in confusion
I know You're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
All my delight is in You LORD
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You LORD forevermore
Though I am at peace, my heart is broken like never before. I just knew this was His plan for my life. I just knew I would get to rescue one of these precious children and give them a home. Maybe for some reason this child was not meant to be mine. Maybe she has another family out there where she can fulfill her Kingdom purpose. Maybe she is supposed to grow up within Uganda and change her country. Maybe it wasn't the right timing. Maybe I am meant to give a different child a home as a part of their Kingdom purpose. I really don't know. God generally doesn't waste time explaining His ways to us, nor does He have to. We probably wouldn't understand anyway. So I may never fully know the reason for this journey, for this heartache, for this oh so trying time. But I know that He is faithful. I know that He is a redeemer. I know and believe that His ways are higher than my ways.
I truly believe that adoption is part of the call of the Church and I believe He does have that some day for me. Until that time, I will continue to love and serve the orphans I come in contact with the best I can. I know all of this may be very confusing or shocking to you. It may not make any sense at all. For that I am sorry. He is up to something and I personally don't want to miss it. I pray He reveals Himself to you as well through the observance of this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your unfailing support through this entire thing. I have been blown away by your gifts, encouragement, advice, and so much more. I will hold it all in my heart and draw from it now and in the future.
FYI...If you have given financially to this adoption process I am so grateful for your support. Any remaining funds will be donated to Hope Grafted In to help fund other adoptions.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:8-9
Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
let your glory be over all the earth.
let your glory be over all the earth.
Psalms 57:5
