Suddenly its been like when you get a new car and everyone has the same one, or so it seems. Everyone is talking adoption, there are little kids around every corner, everyone I know is pregnant, or at least that is the perception of my mind.
He held me those first few days. He was so present; I felt tenderly embraced. And then now I feel so lost. I know Him, I know He has never left me, but my perception of His presence has obviously changed. Now I am back here in this country, in this city and house I call home. The silence is almost deafening. The calm quiet emptiness that I did not expect to be surrounded by is a daily reminder of what was lost. The loss of a child, the loss of parenthood which I didn't
even know I cared about, grieving the loss of a dream, the loss of MY
plan.
As I am sitting in a worship service last week, we are singing 'I want to go deeper, I want to know you'. I can sense the LORD saying 'You asked for this'. And not in the way that sounds. Not the sorry for you, you're just getting what you wanted, mean way. But in a tender, I know it hurts and is hard, truthful way. I have begged for more of Him. Pleaded that I just want to know Him and be intimately acquainted with Him. And He was whispering, 'this is where I am, I am in the pain'. I can't just want more of Him when it means more for me. When there is promise of joy, riches, better piece of life. I can't just say I will follow Him anywhere but truly only go where it is an outcome that I want. In July I said I was willing to walk through the hard, willing to struggle for Him, willing to go on this adventure no matter what. But that was when the difficult looked glamorous. Going to a 3rd world country, not having hot showers, eating posho and beans, walking through slums. It is kind of glamorous from the outside, 'suffering for Jesus'. Or something like that. But this sitting in my house dealing with a situation that no one, including me, knows how to handle isn't so pretty. People are unsure how to approach me. Do they ask about it, do they ask how I am, do they just not talk about it at all. And I am the same way. What should I say to this person, how personal do I get, will it make them uncomfortable, will it make me uncomfortable. Such awkwardness.
All through scripture Jesus is walking toward the pain. He is not just a God who gives us what we want and is satisfied with our faith in Him over that journey. That makes me a fair weather lover if I only love Him when I get my way. So maybe I just need to sit in the muck a while. Maybe I just need to be willing to embrace the pain, find Him in the middle of it for a bit. I don't think we are meant to stay there, for surely joy comes in the morning. But I asked to know Him more and I don't want to neglect or reject this offer to know Him here just because its never where i wanted to be. The last 3 or 4 days have been not so great ones. As with any grief it comes in waves. Suddenly something will catch me off guard and take me through thoughts and emotions I thought I had already dealt with. I'm not really even sure how you can grieve something you never had.
Then He takes me through things like spending 2 whole days listening to people talk about adoption/orphan care. The thing my heart beats for. Plus the completely unexpected emotions of Mother's Day. The pain becomes fresh again, like it happened yesterday, but yet simultaneously He is applying salve to the wound. If this plan of mine had been His perfect plan for my life, then I would be living it right now. Which means that it wasn't. And because of His goodness, because of His great love, I have hope that something greater is on its way.
Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
