Lately I have found myself wishing that someday life would just settle into a normal, casual, calm, routine life. Where the hardest decision to make is which book to read or what's for supper. Whether I want to wear flip flops or tennis shoes, ride my bike or go for a jog. A time when I can stop putting so much thought into being a wise steward of my resources. A time when my heart doesn't ache over things I can never fix. And a time when I can stop saying goodbyes for crying out loud. Where things are calm and I can live a life of pleasure. Where my heart doesn't hurt ALL THE TIME for one reason or another. I'm just so tired of huge decisions, life altering choices, intentional living, and experiencing such strong emotions for extended periods of time. I'm a simpleton. I like simple. And life has been anything but simple for quite some time now.
Yet right in the middle of those very thoughts I stop myself. I tell God that I take it all back. I don't really mean it, not deep down. Because I have lived that ignorant, simple life once, and for far too long. Living a life that thought of myself first. No fire for anything burning deep in my soul. No agonizing over decisions because there were none to agonize over. What I would have given in those moments for my heart to be alive and for my life to reflect that.
I'm realizing that the only time things aren't hard or painful, the only time things are calm and carefree, is when you are dead. Living takes work. So I will take this hard again, this pain, confusion, separating, growing, changing because it means I'm still living. It means I have a purpose to fulfill and I'm on that journey going the right direction. Parts of my being still cry out for that old life, and I daydream about how much easier it would be to just give in and go back. But I'll embrace these moments, because I believe it is in these moments that I am living fully alive.
