Grieving

One of the hardest parts of following this Love, is the refining process that He takes us through; the pain that comes with the shaping.  I am home now and enjoying so many things that come with that.  I have spent great time with the little man in my life making some cool memories. I have enjoyed the company of dear friends as we catch up.  I am using water from the tap and able to go where I want when I want in my own vehicle.  But at the same time I am enjoying these things, there is great pain.  My heart aches.  I equally and simultaneously want to be in two entirely different places at once.  My heart aches to spend another moment with those boys who touched my heart.  It aches to live in the simplicity.  To be immersed in need and so there is no other response but to act.  And then there are these girls who, in the most unlikely way, became some of the best friends I have ever known and what I wouldn’t give for just another moment with them.  I am grieving these losses.  Many disagree and say that it is too intense of a term, but I am telling you that is what it is.  I know because there are spontaneous outbursts of tears throughout the day at random moments that I can’t control.  And because of the fogginess of thought that causes for very slow responses to even basic questions or statements, or the inability to make any decision at all.   There is daydreaming that finds me disengaged from the people around me, making for awkward moments where I am not present with those I love.  I waft in and out of denial, anger, depression, and acceptance. 

 

I find myself having conversations with God like ‘please don’t make me do that again’ or ‘I just can’t handle anymore’.  And I don’t mean it.  Not really.  I just mean this hurts and I don’t know what to do with it.  And I love that He is so in love with me that He just listens and says “Its okay, get it all out, I can handle it.  I know your heart and I don’t just listen to your words.”  And it’s going to be okay, I am going to be okay.  Or at least that is what I keep telling myself, over and over again everyday.  And I think I am doing well until I see that picture, or hear that sound, and then I’ve lost it again.  Once again it looked NOTHING like I anticipated.  But I wouldn’t undo any of it.  There was purpose in this journey.  There is always purpose in the pain, because I serve a God who wastes nothing.  Who uses everything to weave His tapestry with my life.  He began singing this to my soul many months ago “Come away with me.  I have a plan for you, its gonna be wild, its gonna be great, its gonna be full of Me” (Jesus Culture) and it has been absolutely true.  I don’t want to go away with anyone else.  Even if I have to experience a little, or a lot, of grief, sometimes the healing makes it all worth it. 

 

Isaiah 25:1

O LORD, you are my God;

I will exalt you and praise your name,

for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things,

things planned long ago.