Somehow There Is Beauty

I know that I have been a little quiet since arriving in Uganda. To be honest, I am having a little bit of a hard time processing this last month. I have done some research on adoption these past weeks and there is nothing worth reporting on just yet. So I continue to wait on Him, clinging to the promises He has made. I have had some really great times with a couple of girls I've met over here. They have become immediate friends and such a huge blessing. I have also spent some time with an incredible ministry that rescues street boys and my heart has been stretched and humbled by them in more ways than I can describe. Being at Canaan's has been a great blessing as well. I am very well taken care of and my heart has known the joy of Ruthie's company as often as I like :) Yet even still, I feel torn completely in two as thoughts of home overwhelm me most days.

 

 

Work at Sangaalo is where I spend most of my time and energy and where I feel most out of body. Watching Damalie care for these babies, knowing first hand the hardships and needs and difficulties of the life she is living, seeing the weight of her responsibilities, and then observing the most extreme grace and patience exude from her, simply leaves me speechless. And not just Damalie, but her entire staff. In just the last few weeks, they have had more days without running water than with. Only 1 of the 13 kids has NOT been seriously sick. The electricity is off regularly, the formula has run out, there are not enough diapers to keep them all clean and dry all day every day, and when one employee is off duty its like just trying to keep your head above water after treading for hours. I have held a baby in my arms only to have him take his last breath the next day. I have sat with an HIV+ baby while he gets a fluid drip all afternoon. I have taken sick babies to the clinic all alone on a motorbike in the rain. I have gone to plead with grandparents to care for their grandson only to have them decline. I have been to the market and walked blocks and blocks with 40lbs of food that is only half of the normal amount carried by one person. I have taken seriously sick babies to the hospital and waited hours to get diagnosed and treated. I have gone to the district child welfare office and seen the ridiculous processes involved in this work that leaves their hands tied. It has just been the most bizarre out of body experience. Trying to take it all in and process it and truly grasp that this is life for them. These things are just not right, yet it happens, every day. I will leave someday and probably soon. This is not my long term future. And it still overwhelms me, leaving my mind in a fog. I could never do it. I'm just not strong enough I think. But one thing I have come to know first hand from the direct experience of another, is that when scripture says His grace is sufficient, it is speaking the absolute truth. And somehow He makes it possible for one person to create beauty in the midst of ugly, one place to be light in the dark. Sometimes I think that if we knew the ugly that might lay ahead, many of us including me would retreat, consequently missing out on the beauty. But I assure you the beauty here is far greater than anything I've ever seen. Not a beauty you see with your eyes, only one you perceive with your heart. I want to have this kind of courage. The kind it takes to enter in, despite it all. I want to know more of Him in this way. I want to live in this kind of beauty. The kind He perceives, the kind where He is.