Well, I've been here about a month now.
From day one this journey has looked entirely
different than anything I imagined it would.
It has been a hard adjustment to leave behind
EVERY comfort of my life in the states and try and live in a foreign place.
I now spend my days in complete opposition to
my likes, preferences and instincts, having virtually no control over the
basics in my life.
I’m here wading
through the mess and the dark and the extreme discomfort.
And some days it’s all confusion, all seeking
and not finding, all questions and no answers, all wondering and guessing and
longing for the way things used to be.
And
it is hard.
I've found that I am
lacking.
I’m not noble, not as brave as
I once thought, most certainly shouldn’t be labeled as a hero.
I'm just human, and a mess of a human most
days. And maybe if I were Mother Teresa or Katie Davis I might be able to come
to some great spiritual conclusion as to what all this means.
But I'm not them, I'm just me.
I fear that when this is all over and I
return, there will be no big grand artwork for all to see and be enlightened
by.
No fanfare, fireworks or movie
script to validate this experience.
I’m
afraid you could search to find the impact of this journey and never find it.
But He doesn't need me to be the one that gives Him, or this, value.
He doesn't need ME to authenticate who He is.
I am not solely responsible for accomplishing anything
here.
And quite honestly failing within me
might not be such a bad thing.
For where
I am less, He is more.
So although I'm
afraid no one will ever know what this time was really about, I'm finding a small
joy in that.
It will be like He and I
had a romantic escape.
Like we have a
secret that others will never know. An intimate lovers’ getaway that is too
personal to share.
So just because others
may not see the picture of what was done here and in me, does not mean I would
trade it for anything.
These are the things I know, He is good ALWAYS, He is ever faithful, and He cares
about the details of my life.
I know He
is for me and for His glory.
And I
promise you this, He is the sweetest taste of the richest of fair.
Adoption Update:
As is not uncommon around here, the information I was given about adoption
was not entirely correct. They have requirements that I just cannot meet, so I
will no longer be pursuing adoption in
Kenya. I will however, be switching
over to
Uganda. I have begun contacting places there and may even be going for an informational
visit in the coming weeks. This has proven to be a challenging situation, but
He is not surprised by it and I know He has a greater plan at work. Please
continue to lift this up in prayer so that He may be glorified and I will just
follow where He leads.