Well, I've been here about a month now. From day one this journey has looked entirely different than anything I imagined it would. It has been a hard adjustment to leave behind EVERY comfort of my life in the states and try and live in a foreign place. I now spend my days in complete opposition to my likes, preferences and instincts, having virtually no control over the basics in my life. I’m here wading through the mess and the dark and the extreme discomfort. And some days it’s all confusion, all seeking and not finding, all questions and no answers, all wondering and guessing and longing for the way things used to be. And it is hard. I've found that I am lacking. I’m not noble, not as brave as I once thought, most certainly shouldn’t be labeled as a hero. I'm just human, and a mess of a human most days. And maybe if I were Mother Teresa or Katie Davis I might be able to come to some great spiritual conclusion as to what all this means. But I'm not them, I'm just me. I fear that when this is all over and I return, there will be no big grand artwork for all to see and be enlightened by. No fanfare, fireworks or movie script to validate this experience. I’m afraid you could search to find the impact of this journey and never find it.
But He doesn't need me to be the one that gives Him, or this, value. He doesn't need ME to authenticate who He is. I am not solely responsible for accomplishing anything here. And quite honestly failing within me might not be such a bad thing. For where I am less, He is more. So although I'm afraid no one will ever know what this time was really about, I'm finding a small joy in that. It will be like He and I had a romantic escape. Like we have a secret that others will never know. An intimate lovers’ getaway that is too personal to share. So just because others may not see the picture of what was done here and in me, does not mean I would trade it for anything.
These are the things I know, He is good ALWAYS, He is ever faithful, and He cares about the details of my life. I know He is for me and for His glory. And I promise you this, He is the sweetest taste of the richest of fair.
Adoption Update:
As is not uncommon around here, the information I was given about adoption was not entirely correct. They have requirements that I just cannot meet, so I will no longer be pursuing adoption in
I love your description of a romantic escape! I've felt with my Jesus before too! Its a treasure that even an earthly husband can't fulfill the same way. It's a scary journey, but He is standing behind you holding your shoulders, He is walking in front to guide your steps. You are blossoming beautifully through this journey, & I would guess quite "normal" for all that has changed in your world. I know you're not a hero, but for that child you're adopting you will be, just for listening to the still small voice. Praying fot you girl!
ReplyDelete